i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
