Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
