Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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