3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I want to be your penis for a week.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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