I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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