someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
