If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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