and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
