In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
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