Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
