she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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