Umm I'm too high to move.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
