TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
