Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
