I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
