i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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