I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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