Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
