and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
