By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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