A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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