he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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