Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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