2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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