you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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