Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
