Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
