My sheets look like a crime scene.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
