another moral hangover. fuck.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
