im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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