I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
