this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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