It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
