Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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