I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
