I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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