She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
