hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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