She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She told me I should be a condom model.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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