Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
