Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
