Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
