my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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