I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
