I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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