I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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