The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
