I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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