I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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