You made me cry and you don't even care
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
