the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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