no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
