You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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