on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
